Longest Post Ever..

Monday has ended.. Learnt many many new things at my Jap class today.. However, today's brain is still kinda slow after work. There's lesser workload to clear compared to last week but there are still many more to clear.

After reading all the blog posts.. Finally I think it's time for me to speak because all things seemed to be targeted at me already. I didn't wanted to blog out everything here initially, becuz I don't find this incident a precious moment to remember at all.. As someone said to me, us being adults already.. It doesn't makes sense to squabble by shooting and critisizing each other, without listening to what the other party has to say.. A phone call would be a good substitute for meet-up.. I've tried but it doesn't seems to work.. And since thoughts are already being conveyed online, maybe I should also type mine out here le.

I know you will read all these..

Regarding that incident, if I'm not wrong, it all started from a hatred for someone. And in ur opinion.. It's because of the existence of tat someone, we quarrelled. Okays..

Actually.. What happened during our first quarrel has already floated away from my mind few weeks ago. I don't mind if u want to keep your perceptions and thinkings same as before.. Because right from the start, I've never ever forced you to accept anyone or be good friends with anyone. All I wanted to find out was the reason why you hated her, and why can't you treat her as a normal friend (Nobody hates a person for no reason. The logic comes from no one born in this world lives a life to be hated by others without a reason). Isn't it normal to know why someone hates you? I believe it's not only me who wishes to know, but anyone, and even the person who is being hated.

But seriously.. The reason didn't really matter much after the first quarrel floated away. Yes.. I never disallowed you to hate a person. You can say tat there isn't any reason, but deep down in your heart, I know there must be some reasons which you don't wanna share. And I'm really okays with it.

So.. What I'm going to say now is relating to what has happened from Friday onwards.

Friday's outing was not a Bb~ outing (Mei, her cpl are not Bb members). Initially I was supposed to meet you.. And at the same time, Ah Bei wanted to meet me too. At tat time I wondered, "Will the outing be awkward?" So I called u to listen to your opinion first before I fixed the appointment with her. It was only after I confirmed and got an assurance tat u're comfortable then I agreed to meet her. She was comfortable too.. And so I thought everything would be fine. It was until later on then I knew tat Mei was coming. And about her couple's appearance, I got to know about it at the same time as you when we reached only.

From our meeting point onwards.. You seemed okays initially. But I donno what went wrong after that? Yes.. This part I really don't understand, because you never told me. (Don't I deserve a chance to be 'slow' too?) The cold replies you gave to me. You didn't even talk to me but only answered when I talk to you (apart from the leaving restaurant part saying tat u're going out for a walk and left the money on the table before I could say anything). Your behaviour was obviously different from the usual you.. I did talk to you, I did try to involve you into my conversation with Ah Bei but you rejected. I'm okays with your rejection.. But the thing that I couldn't accept was that you said we were chatting happily away? Till the restaurant incident and everything.. I kept trying to involve you in but you said I didn't.. We all knew what happened on that day after that..

Actually when I was in the restaurant, I had the urge to walk off and go home you know? I was so upset, I was already too tired and hungry and when I saw you like this, I totally donno what to do? I have done what I could do, but nothing helped. But then I thought of Mei and his cpl they were on their way so I controlled my emotions and thought that I shouldn't be ruining the Friday just like this.

The phone call on Saturday was to find out if your thoughts has simmered down and was to clarify what has happened on Friday, but we ended up in quarrel again. Everything just snow-balled until the state now..

What I want to say is that even though there are hatred, it isn't necessary to carry that hatred everywhere you go with you. I'm not asking you to smile for the sake of smiling.. Becuz I'm sure there are definitely other things which could make you smile? But when you said things like you don't owe me anything, you don't owe Mei anything, you don't owe her cpl anything. I said yes.. But actually, you owed us something.. And that is because you didn't even treated us as your friend. Even when you felt sian or totally no mood, you treated us coldly and we seriously donno how to respond to you.. At that point in time, we felt totally insignificant. A friend shares and listens. A friend receives and shows empathy.

You think that you are living in your own island.. Isolating youself from the rest.. But have you ever thought about how we felt when you think this way? We care for you but we really don't understand what is in your mind if you don't want to share it with us even though we wanted to listen.

For Sunday's incident, I just want to clarify that it wasn't a Bb~outing (Because not all the peeps there are Bb~ members). And throughout the outing.. I didn't even speak to Kevin for a single word.. Apart from Roy, I believe that you know the rest too.. I don't see myself enjoying at that outing too.. It doesn't comes without a reason, itwas the same as Mei's too.. After the Saturday phone call and Sunday smses, I cannot tune myself back to happy mode so fast.

About the clicking and non-clicking part.. Can't we just let go and not harp on it anymore? It's good enough that we know it inside our heart. It's unmeasurable, it's unquantifiable. From what I see, if we continue to measure and quantify them.. All these are never going to end.

After typing to these long.. I feel like concluding, because the more I type, the more I feel that damage has already been done and it's no point debating.. Rather to look at ways to resolve it.. Yes indeed different people have different thinkings definitely, and that include even the closest of friends (like Dap & Gen with me, we are always giving in to each other and accomodating weaknesses).. Probably to me accomodating is the only way to makes relationship (any kind) works but to you I'm not sure..

Definitely I will not run away because what will come will come.. Probably time can let our wounds heal, and when we talk again things have changed for the better. And I agree, "it takes two hands to clap".