Bad emo post..

I just need to let out my mixed emotions somewhere.. And its here..

People whom are close to me must have noticed that I've been moody these few days. Actually I've just made a major decision last Sunday. Ya.. I broke off with my boyfriend le.. My real life boyfriend.. Many people must be thinking after so long, two and a half years, finally I've made the decision. Probably I've been procrastinating all these while.. The problems have been there since long ago, but nothing was really done to solve it.. Even he thought so too.. So we decided to be apart for now. Tat's the story.. I was the one who initiated the breakup. I've thought through carefully and seeked for the answer deep in my heart before telling him my decision. Although he said that he believed that our relationship could work out, but he still respected my decision.. Hence the whole thing ended like this..

Right after the break, I was moody and still moody. The only feeling I had.. The feeling of lostness was there.. Its hard to describe with words but I believe those who have gone through a long relationship should understand how it felt like.. I just didn't wanted to think about it anymore so I tried to relax by playing games and stuffs, bought audi items, spent $$.. I thought by doing all these I could control my emotions within myself, immune myself from the feeling of being lost and all alone..

Maybe I was wrong. Instead of feeling better, it just got worse and worse.. The moody feeling just carried on since Sun till Mon and Tue. I just couldn't cheer up, treating almost everyone cold as ice.. I needed someone who could sense that I was feeling down before I start 'flooding Singapore' with Beibei again.. I didn't wanted people to come to me after I tell them that I'm feeling down or wat.. Then somehow.. Beibei was the only one who managed to do it.. seemed to have shut out other people..

Then now some other thing have to happen. I wished it didn't happened because I really have no more energy left to think of this thing right now..

I wished for a simple life right from the start. But it never ever seemed to be simple as at now..

I wished that I never have set expectations on others.. Because it's never possible for people to behave or turn out to be what I've expected them to be, hence ended up in more dissapointment..

I wished that I've been this logical much earlier on.. Such that I would have felt happier.. Because I feel that I've never been more logical than now..

Right now, I still cannot smile like before. I keep thinking about the chronology of events that have happened since Sunday. I feel sorry to those whom I've treated coldly to.. I'm not taking you guys for granted but its just that I needed time to cool down.. I really don't mean to do it.. And I'm not superwoman either.. I cannot recover from such a big thing immediately ya.. And after the break, I kept the matter to myself mainly because I didn't wanted people around me to worry for me.. It's too weird for me to go around announcing to people around me that ya.. "I finally break with him le".. What's the point of doing that..? When each time I mention about it, my heart aches on the missing piece.. I thought this is a normal feeling for anyone whom just fell out of love..? So.. I chose not to touch it.. It's not that I don't want to share or treat my friends as insignificant, or I'm hiding about it.. All I wanted was just to let myself calm down first.. Something which cannot be done in just one or two days.. Can it? I really hope they can understand.. I don't mean to hurt anyone..

I don't know how long more this is going to continue. But I really wished that things didn't turn out this way. All I need is just some understanding and embracement.. Just this alone will give me the strength I need to pull through.. I believed..

I love my friends a lot. I treasure every of them.. I'm really sorry if I've neglected any of you in one way or another.. Like I said.. I will make it up once I pull through this stage..